An Epiphany

Ever have one of them? An epiphany? A friend of mine likes to call them "The Epiphany" but somehow that indicates there is only one — and, for me, of late, there's been more than one.

When I was dating my wife, we'd go to her brother's house for family gatherings, picnics, and swim in the pond with the nieces and nephews. Up by the house, a table sat at the edge of the large deck under the shade of a large oak tree. As I lazed in the sun on the small sandy beach area, I'd see them, the aunts and uncles, the old people, sitting at that table enjoying their coffees or lemonades.

The years have passed. My brother-in-law and his wife have moved into a small trailer set a little closer to the pond. His eldest son has taken over handling the "estate" of six acres. We had a party the other day. All the family showed. The grandkids and great-grandkids frolicked in the pond, running helter-skelter here and there. I sat at the table at the edge of the large deck under the shade of the huge oak tree. I was enjoying my cup of coffee, talking with the other siblings of my wife's family, watching the kids. I was once more reminded of how the old people (the aunts, uncles, moms and dads) would sit at the table and...

OMG!

I was the 'old people' at the table.

Sure, Uncle Earl passed. Aunt Mary went to her Heavenly reward. Even mom and dad had taken their turn visiting the Pearly Gates.

But, wait, when had the baton been passed. When did I — that's right, the three of us — me, myself, and I — when did we become one of those to sit at the esteemed table of elders?

I longed for the sunny beach; to allow myself to throw caution to the wind, no reservations, allow the sun to crisp my body to a golden brown.

I held my hand over my eyebrow to shade my view and see the kids out in the water.

NO! I'd seen my wife's dad, and her Uncle Earl do that. Not me! It couldn't be me!!

I sipped my coffee, resigned to the fact — I was old. I'd moved on. No longer was I the stud lounging on the beach. My heydays were over.

Never!!

I stood, my bones creaking and cracking in the action. I was going to take my rightful place back in the sun. As I was about to leap off the low deck onto the lawn, I thought better of it, turned and carefully, one step at a time, made my way down the staircase and to the path to the pond.

About four steps later I realized the truth. I hurt. The idea of getting down, laying on the beach, allowing the glorious sun to bathe my body...

I cringed. Thoughts assailed me.

     1. That's a lot of white flesh to expose, not only to the sun, but to the world.
     2. They don't have a crane handy — how are you getting back up?
     3. Your six pack is more like overstuffed carry-on luggage.
     4. Do you really want to hear the kids, grandkids and others laughing?
     5. Or worse, crying for you to put on more clothes?

With the sincerest look I could offer, I turned to the others on the porch deck and said...

"Damn! I forgot what I was going to do!"

And humbly walked back up to sit at the table.

There is honor in growing old. It is a rite of passage. You are an elder to be respected.

Yeah, right! That's a lot of hogwash.

As Judge Thurgood Marshall stated when asked why he was retiring...

Because I'm old!

Yes, I'm old but I do believe I'd remember when the baton was passed to me. Obviously, as I have now learned, it is done without any pomp or circumstance. No ceremony. It is a simple case, one day you don't have the baton, the next day you have it. I also discovered, it does not, I repeat, does NOT come with instructions.

In fact, a little head's up — very little of growing up comes with instructions. Sure, you get guidance when you're young, but when you hit a certain age, all those who are older than you, well, they have moved on, and suddenly, you are now the font of all things important, somewhat relevant, and unfortunately, more often than not, totally useless information of a period gone by.

A few years ago, the matriarch of my wife's family passed. Yes, my mother-in-law, at the ripe age of 103 (one hundred and three) went to her Heavenly home. My parents had already passed. At that moment, although I hadn't realized it at the time, my wife and I became the matriarch and patriarch of our family, as did my wife's sisters and brother with their families.  The baton had been passed. There was none for us to go to for advice. We now were the Oracles, the deities of information, good or bad.

Epiphany.

When did I get to this point? How did I get here?

The answer is simple. I got here one breath at a time... and there were a lot of them.

As king, my first proclamation...

HELP!!

Until next I ramble on...

Christmas Retrospect

Today is Christmas Eve Day and I am sitting at my desk watching the fine snow continue to fall. This morning was church and then my wife and I had an enjoyable lunch with friends at a local restaurant.

The snow started to fall while we were in church. We walked in and the ground was clear. We came out to a light coating of white and extremely slick roads and sidewalks. Uh, "extremely slick" is being very kind - I almost fell on my dignity as I headed for the car. As we drove to the restaurant, I decided - after attempting to stop - it was wiser to continue on through the yellow light. When the group broke up to head home, I decided to go "that extra mile" and see a house I thought we'd look at later if it truly piqued our interest. I slowed up to look at the home and then attempted to turn into a driveway to turn around. My wife kept telling me "Don't hit the telephone pole" like it was my goal in life. I didn't - repeat DIDN'T - want to hit the pole. In fact, I didn't even want to go off the blacktop driveway and into the yard... but, I did. Fortunately the gravel at the edge of the driveway and the first crops of grass stopped me and I only "trespassed" about 3 feet into the yard. With luck, the spring rains should wash away all the evidence.

While on the highway, cars were going faster than I wished to drive and some of them seemed to have difficulty remaining in their lane. I decided to take the back roads home with a lot less traffic. Of course, that didn't mean the roads were any better or safer.  Approaching my driveway at the outrageous speed of 15 mph... Yeah, I almost overshot the driveway, finally slip-sliding my way into my driveway which is gravel.  As one would expect, even it was slippery so there is this little wiggle in the tire tracks leading up to house.

I'm inside and have NO intention of going outside except to let the dog out. Our dog will go out, potty and immediately return to the house. We are watching (dog-sitting) our son's dog. It is spoiled rotten, and has been raised in a fenced yard. Why do I say spoiled? You have to be outside with her while she does her business. If I tie her to the chain - 30 ft with a pole out in the middle of yard - so she has plenty of running space - she will whine and bark to come back in, totally disregarding her business. But, wait, she remembers that she had to go potty and well, SURPRISE!  To avoid that surprise, I stand out there in the weather and wait for her to run off her excess energy and do her business. Sounds like a little wimpy dog, right? Wrong, this is a pit bull with muscles that exceed mine about 3 to 1, maybe 4 to 1. Plus, if she wasn't so damn lovable I'd just turn my back, but she's just a big lap dog who doesn't realize she isn't a lap dog. Maybe I should note at this time - the dog has decided turn about is fair play - if I leave the bathroom door open, she watches me. If I close the door, she patiently waits outside the door, sticking her nose as far under the door as possible. Personally, I don't think these moments should be shared, but...

I've digressed. And I usually do. Sorry.

Christmas. I remember as my kids got older, my parents and in-laws didn't seem as much "into" Christmas. I mean they shared a couple of gifts, but the Christmas morning hoopla was missing. Now, I have grandchildren and great grandchildren. The children are spread here and there with their in-laws spread even farther it seems. So, we had our "family" Christmas last weekend, 12/19, with all them present - all 28 of us in one house. Talk about chaos and fun. We even had 7 kids who are under the age of 3 to keep things hopping.

So, today my wife and I head to church and it is Christmas Eve Day... but, it doesn't feel like any other day of the week or year. I mean, tomorrow is Christmas and we'd probably just sleep in and finally, some time during the day, decide to open the gifts we bought each other. No hoopla. No whoop-de-doo-dah. The gifts? More likely useful items that either of us could have bought any other day - jammies, underwear, socks, gloves, etc. I could have bought my wife jewelry but I've done that over the years for special occasions, birthdays and other gift days. She has more jewelry than she will probably ever wear. Some I've even forgotten I've bought for her... let's just say, when she passes, the DILs and granddaughters will each probably receive a beautiful piece of jewelry to remember her.

Outside the snow is still falling. It is beautiful. The fine snow is dusting all the tree and bush branches.

So, tomorrow, my #2 son who is celebrating Christmas today with his 3 children, their spouses and children are like us. Nothing to get all excited about on Christmas Day.  They've invited us to join them for a day at the casino in Toledo. At first I hesitated but, again, it feels like any other day and it might be fun to do as something different. I mean, we could just sit at home... but, why?

The Christmases I remember from my youth are no more. Families are no longer just living a few miles from each other. Work schedules even force employees to work on Christmas. I remember in our town, each Sunday everything was closed except ONE gas station and ONE drug store - and those stores took turns rotating as to who would be open. Come Christmas there wasn't anything open except the police, fire department and hospitals - and I think they were running skeletal crews so everyone could have part of the day with their families.  Oh, and maybe the local Chinese restaurant was open. In my small mid-America "village" there was no Oriental restaurants back then.

If my #3 son was still an EMT on the fire department, he'd be working today and tomorrow, a 4 hour shift. My #4 son needs to go in and make sure the furnace is going at the steel mill. My #1 and #2 sons had to work yesterday (Saturday) and of course, will be back to work on Tuesday. My #2 grandson needs to be at work Christmas night to start the week and his wife needs to handle a shift at the local carryout. My #1 granddaughter will do a shift today at the hospital and a partial shift tomorrow for Christmas.

Someone told me they had a choice - they could tell their employers they wouldn't work those days. I think the employer response was simple: Work or don't bother coming back. Today there are too many people wanting good jobs, even mediocre ones, to demand too much.

It would be nice to go back to the Christmases of the 50s where children believed in Santa until at least the 3rd or 4th grade. Where families got together - grandparents, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren gathered together to celebrate Christmas, the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus.

[SIGH] Today it is all about how many and how expensive the gifts are. Several years ago my #2 granddaughter and wife were talking about Christmas. My wife told her one year she got a new doll and a few homemade clothes from her parents and grandparents. My granddaughter hugged my wife and said "I'm so sorry, grandma. You deserved more." Today's kids seem to get so many presents they don't know which one to play with first. I remember getting new pajamas, a shirt, a collection of classic books, and a Lionel O-Gage train set that I needed to share with my brother. My hanging sock had an orange, peanuts in the shell, a candy cane and a small toy stuffed down in it. That was the Christmas just before my 9th birthday (circa 55?) and was one of the best - I loved that train set. There were no other family members. Why? My parents moved to NW Ohio in 1953 from Iowa where my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins lived. We were alone with no nearby family.

Wow. I guess my parents were some of the originals who started to separate the nucleus family. I never thought of it that way until this very moment.

I was taught in high school that the nucleus family started to breakup in the early-mid-50s. I didn't see or understand what it was about.

The nucleus family. Back then there were neutrons, electrons and protons to make up the family. Over the years those have disappeared and there is barely the nucleus left - who can honestly say they sit down to a family meal at the table each night?  TV trays in front of the boob-tube don't count.

It's still snowing. Some things don't change. We'll have a White Christmas this year.

Until next I ramble on...

What I've Learned OR The Rainy Day is Here!

I've made 70 circles around the sun. If you want a more impressive number, the moon has made over 900 cycles around the earth in my lifetime, so far.  BUT... In that time, surprisingly, I was able to learn a few things. Some of them were easy, others took a little more ... shall we call it wedging with a sledgehammer?

I'm retired.  I spent many decades working, always giving my all to my job, fretting when I couldn't make it in due to illness and feeling guilty when I was on vacation when a big project had to be finished. A friend of mine told me "This company doesn't give two farts to the wind about you. Don't stress yourself, they don't."  But I did.  I actually thought the company couldn't continue without me.

I was wrong.  I retired. I left and went back about one month later to see how things were going. Some people didn't even realize I had retired and been gone for any length of time. Everything still stood, life continued and didn't care if I was there or not. Yeah, I was a little depressed. I felt sure there would be a myriad of questions of how this or that was done. The questions didn't come.

In fact, it wasn't until about 6 or 8 months after my retirement that I got a frantic call about something failing. Seems they cleaned house over the weekend, getting rid of a lot of old equipment. They removed the sign "Do Not Turn Off" and removed the server over the weekend. On Tuesday, when the one employee attempted to print a seating chart - it failed. I got a call the following Monday as to what could be the problem since I wrote the program. Found out they removed the server which removed the program, the source code and the compiler. There was nothing I could do to help them. I'd printed out the source code with an explanation of what each line of code did for every special program I created, but it was deemed a waste of paper and tossed. They "hoped" I had a copy at home. Uh, no.

It was obvious, my last place of employment, and several of the others prior, had no regard for me or my work. Unless it impacted them and/or the bottom line ($$) they didn't care. Why should I?

So, again, I reiterate - Unless you own the business, don't fret about it or kill yourself, nobody cares. In other words, go to work, do your work with pride and go home and enjoy your real life.

What else did I learn? Learn to pick your fights. Sometimes you don't actually get that opportunity. Yes, the opportunity to pick your fight. It seems no matter what you do, the fight is coming to you and you're going to be in the mess. When that happens, take the appropriate action. BUT, if you can avoid a fight, do so. Is it really worth the effort of fighting about whether this or that is true or false? Step back and evaluate the battleground. Give it a lot of thought. With you winning or losing, will it make a difference? Next week, next month, next year - will the outcome have some bearing on it? So, it don't make a difference, why engage? If you win, it won't matter. If you lose, it won't matter. So why even get involved? Walk away.

Another tidbit - Money. What did I learn about mone?. One never seems to have enough. When I made $1.25 an hour, I wanted to make more. When I made almost $50 an hour, it seemed I still needed more. I didn't realize until I retired the true reason for that... even though it had been flaunted in my face at one time. Each person will consume to the level of income. That is almost a universal law. When I was cut back during a company-wide crisis back in the 80s - another employee friend of mine moaned that he wasn't sure how he would survive the 15% cutback. Sorry, but I couldn't empathize with him - I'd been cut back 22.5% and when I explained my situation, he explained he had a much higher cost of living. Our friendship sort of withered during the cutback and never re-bloomed when things got better.  It didn't matter how much one made, we all lived to the full capacity of our income and a cutback, whether 15% or 22.5% - it hit the paycheck. So, what did I learn about money? Try to stay within the means of your income. Actually stay within 75% of your income and avoid using credit. Yes, it is only a few dollars each month, but the number of months is astronomical in the long run. I am currently working to eliminate all debts and expenses except those needed for day-to-day living that one can not eliminate: trash removal, phone service, electric, water and other such amenities.

Another fact of growing up. A friend of mine retired shortly after me and from what I can tell, he quit shaving, showered when others made faces or flat out told him, and basically vegetates in his house. He said to me: I cleaned and shaved every day, put on a fresh shirt, tied that tie and wore a suit with shiny shoes for a professional look. He decided to go feral. Okay, I retired and gave up the fancy suit and tie look. Yes, I'd worn "monkey clothes" for most of my working life with a few days of simple dressing. After retirement, I started to wear shorts and t-shirts, going barefoot when I could. I would put on long pants and a nice polo shirt when going to town. By the way, this is my year-round apparel wearing routine. Yes, I walk outside to get the mail wearing shorts, even when the snow is blowing, I just add a hooded sweatshirt or jacket. And I wear moccasins almost daily.  Sunday, when I go to church, I tend to dress up - a nice shirt, slacks, socks and shoes, but the minute I get home, they get changed to shorts and t-shirt.  Retirement is about enjoying life - your way - but it always means that you still need to function within society, so one does need to bathe and consider hygiene.  Still, it is your life, enjoy it as you see fit... you worked for this moment, enjoy it.

Remember the phrase - We're saving it for that special time? Exactly when will that special time happen? We had "good" china, special candles and fancy clothes for a special occasion. Of course, it could anything you have that you've been saving. Why? When will it be that special moment? Use it. My wife and I have lugged special china I bought while in the Navy all over the USA with us as we've moved over the years. Always keeping it for that special meal. I think we've used it maybe 3 or 4 times - hardly worth the effort of keeping it all these years - over 40+ years! We are now considering down-sizing and it will be up for sale. Why? At this point in time, every day is a special day and we don't use them - we use paper plates for convenience. Time to clean house. We had some crystal china my wife had collected and we finally decided to use them as everyday plates. Rather fancy for a meal but we used them and finally sold them. My mother received a blouse that was expensive and she saved it for a special day. She's gone and the blouse was sold in the estate sale, never worn. If you have it, use it. You woke up today so it is a special day, make it even more special and enjoy the stuff you're saving - otherwise it will be sold at a sale. It may mean something to you, but to those who "inherit" all your fine things, it probably won't mean a thing - 25¢ blouse or 10¢ plate. Enjoy what life has given you, don't stash it away for a rainy day.

Oh, wait - that might be the magic phrase I'm trying to allude to - Forget the rainy day, enjoy it now!

When it comes time to regret, you'll always regret the things you didn't do. Seldom does one regret doing what they did. They may think it a better choice not to have participated, but will they regret it? Not really!

I enjoy my family, my community, my hobbies: traveling, writing, fishing, gardening and being with my wife.

It is better to have ______ and lost than not to have ______ at all. (fill in the blank to fit your need)

I see rain but I also see a bright sunny day in my very near future. I'm purging myself of all that is holding me back, cleaning house, and moving forward. In the words of Johnny Nash...

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Yeah, the perfect song. Enjoy it... and remember, you are your first priority and that includes your family. The rest will fall into proper place.

Until next I ramble on...

Age - The Illusive Butterfly

Age.  Exactly what it age?  I mean, for most it is an accumulation of years... or the number of times one has traveled around the sun. For others, it is a mindset.

In reality, it is gravity.

Within my mind, I'm not that old.  I can't be THAT old! It was only yesterday, or was it last week? I was out playing ball with my sons, hitting a few to prepare them for the summer season.  The oldest just took his driver's test - yeah, that was the first of the week, yeah, I"m sure.

No, that can't be. My mind just had a relapse.  Uh, my oldest son is a grandfather. Wait a minute. So is my #2 son.

OMG!  I'm a great-grandfather.  I'm too young for that.  In fact, I was too young to be a grandfather and that was just... OMG!  That was over twenty years ago!

I'd ask where time has gone but we all know - Time marches on.

Today I'm helping my wife. We're shampooing the rug and it is nothing like doing your hair. The machine isn't too heavy. Well, at least, when the young whelp at the store lifted it off the shelf it didn't seem too heavy.  Somewhere between that moment and me actually picking it up to put in the back of the car - it had gained another 200 pounds. With a little effort - okay, a major effort, I was able to lift it into the back of the car.  BTW, without the assistance of my lovely bride, I might add. (Insert your favorite themed music background - Tarzan, Superman, He-Man, etc.)

Sidenote: The only redeeming grace of this incident is it didn't happen at a WalMart parking lot. I rented the machine from a local grocery store.  Otherwise, I probably would have seen my image on Facebook as part of the "WalMart People" slide presentation.

Continuing on.

I shampooed the living room carpet. I've never really thought of my living room as huge. Okay. It is large, about 15x21, but it isn't what I would call an awe-inspiring chamber.  After getting all the furniture out of the room, need I say, there was a rest period?  I started shampooing.

It is time for honesty.  My living room is HUGE!  Going back and forth, back and forth.  I think I walked about 38, maybe 39 miles pulling and pushing that machine.  Remember, it wasn't all that heavy.  After the first 3 trips back and forth - pull trigger for cleaner, pull the machine s-l-o-w-l-y across the room and then push it s-l-o-w-l-y back to the starting point. Release trigger. Repeat the process without holding the trigger so the machine can suck up the moisture.

Do you remember me stating the machine wasn't 'all that heavy' at the start?  Uh, that was without the chambers filled with liquid.  In case you didn't know, water weighs a measly 8 pounds per gallon.  I believe the chamber holds about 3000 gallons... or, at least, that much by the time I was nearing the end of the process.

It seemed the dirt coming up out of the carpet added extra weight... and the two large African elephants riding on the machine didn't lighten the load.  No, wait, I was hallucinating.

Okay, the carpet looks great.  A job well done.

Now, back to age.  As I told my wife, this would have been so much easier back when I was 30. I laughed. Strange to think that.  Actually, it would have been easier when I was 50.

Never once in my life did I ever think I would look back at an age and think how great it would be. Okay, honesty here.  Yes, I did think back, but never ONCE did I ever think I'd be glad to be 50. I guess that is what your mindset is when you're 70 years of age.

Ahh... to be 60 again.  Sure it would be nice to be 30 but I don't think I would want all the turmoil of being 30 in today's society.  The age of 50 wouldn't be too bad, but 60, that seems, at least to me, to be a nice figure.  Not too old.  Not too young.  Call it middle age. Yeah, I like that.

My wife, the realist in the family let me know the truth. "You're 70, honey. Get over it."

And, so I am.  Gravity is taking its toll.  Some days gravity doesn't suck as strongly as other days. I enjoy those days because I feel like I'm 60 and that feels great.

Like a butterfly in the yard - age flits around, letting you run up and down the scale of ages, being whatever your mind thinks and your body willing to accommodate.

On December 31st of 2016, I completed 70 round trips of our sun. I'm proud of that accomplishment. My mind and body haven't totally accepted those facts... and I don't want them to!!

Today I want to live in that illusive butterfly moment and be the age I want to be.

Until next I ramble on...